How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner (and Understand Your Own Sexuality Better!)
Let’s Talk Sex: Navigating Pleasure and Desire
Alright, it’s time to have the talk. No, not the “birds and bees” one—let’s get real and dig in a little deeper. Talking about sex can feel like navigating a minefield blindfolded, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t have to. We’re totally comfortable discussing everything from our career goals to what we had for lunch, yet when it comes to what we like in bed, we suddenly turn into embarrassed teenagers. Why? Because somewhere along the way, we got this idea that desire should just magically appear, that our partners should “just know” what we want, and that asking for what we need is somehow ruining the moment.
Here’s the truth: That’s all a myth.
Good sex—connected, exciting, and fulfilling sex—doesn’t just happen. It comes from understanding your own sexuality, being curious about your partner’s, and communicating in a way that feels safe and open. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, dating, or simply trying to get in touch with your own body, this guide will help you navigate conversations about pleasure, desire, and intimacy with confidence.
A Christian Perspective
From a Christian viewpoint, sex is not just a physical act—it’s a sacred gift designed by God to bring joy, deepen intimacy, and glorify Him within the context of a committed, loving relationship. It’s meant to be enjoyed, not just for procreation, but as a means of fostering connection, trust, and vulnerability between partners. When we embrace this understanding, talking openly about sex becomes not only natural but necessary. It allows us to shed any feelings of shame or guilt and instead cultivate a space where mutual pleasure, respect, and understanding thrive. In fact, discussing our desires, boundaries, and needs can be a beautiful way to honor the sacred bond between partners, building a relationship that reflects God’s design for intimacy—one of love, communication, and grace.
So, let’s break down what makes sex truly great: What feels good? What ignites desire? Why do we like what we like? And how can we talk about it without feeling like we’re tying to defuse a bomb?
Let’s dive in.
Understanding Pleasure & Desire: A Closer Look
Pleasure and desire are two terms we often toss around in the context of sex, but they’re not quite the same thing. Pleasure refers to the positive physical sensations that bring satisfaction and joy—those delightful feelings in your body that come when something just feels good. Desire, on the other hand, is the emotional craving for sex. It’s that internal motivation that makes us seek out sexual experiences in the first place. Sometimes pleasure and desire show up together, like two old friends at a party, while other times they might not quite sync—and that’s completely normal.
As long as we can identify which one feels off or is lagging behind, we can take the necessary steps to nurture it and communicate what’s going on with our partner. For example, there might be times when desire, or that “want,” isn’t initially there. But once the body gets into the groove, feels stimulated, and warms up, the craving for more can naturally follow. In other cases, the desire may be present, but the physical experience doesn’t quite match the expectation, and that’s when exploration can be key.
Questions to Explore Desire
Let’s spice things up a bit! Take a moment to reflect on these questions—whether you're diving deep into your own desires or sharing with your partner, they can really help unlock what’s going on beneath the surface:
When do I find myself craving sex? Is it in the morning when the world feels fresh? At night when things slow down? Or maybe after reading or watching something steamy (hello, romance novels and movies)? Does an emotional connection with my partner light a spark? Or maybe it’s after a solid night’s sleep when stress is lower, and I’m feeling more in tune with my body?
And here’s the fun part: What’s going on in my mind when I’m feeling that desire? Am I fantasizing about a specific experience or craving a certain type of touch or connection? Get curious—sometimes our minds are busy creating some pretty hot scenarios, and it’s worth exploring what gets us really turned on!
It’s easy to feel anxious or frustrated when desire and pleasure don’t align perfectly, but there’s a lot of grace in learning how to navigate this. Our bodies, minds, and relationships evolve, and so does our experience of intimacy. The key is to be kind to ourselves and patient as we discover what works, what doesn’t, and how to communicate that with our partners. Remember, growth in this area isn’t just possible—it’s a beautiful part of our sexual journey.
Before you can communicate your desires, you have to understand them yourself. Ask yourself:
For some, arousal is immediate and effortless. For others, it takes time, context, and mental engagement. Neither is wrong—it’s just how our brains and bodies work. Understanding this about yourself (and your partner) helps eliminate frustration and creates space for more fulfilling intimacy.
Questions to Explore Pleasure
Let’s get you exploring the juicy details—unpacking why some things light us up and spark that electric feeling! Reflecting on these questions can help you better understand what’s truly bringing you pleasure:
What’s so arousing about oral sex or manual stimulation? Is it the sensation, the intimacy, or maybe both? Can you describe the sensation, and what it feels like when you reach orgasm?
Why do I love certain sexual positions? Do they hit those sweet spots in my body that feel just right? Or is it more about the connection with my partner as we explore different angles?
Speaking of angles, is there a power dynamic that turns me on? Maybe the thrill of control, or the vulnerability of letting go—how does that influence my experience?
When I’m in the moment, do these acts make me feel attractive or desired? How do I feel when I hear my partner’s pleasure or see them enjoying themselves?
And let’s not forget our past experiences—do they play a role in what I like? Could old messages about sex influence my comfort levels or preferences today?
Getting curious about why certain things feel good, why they bring us arousal, or why they create connection with a partner is a game changer. It’s not just about maximizing pleasure—it’s about unlocking the type of sex that truly aligns with what we want, while keeping our values and personal growth in mind.
5. How to Actually Have the Conversation with Your Partner
Okay, so you’re ready to talk about sex—but how do you start without it feeling like an interrogation? Here are some tips:
✔ Create a Safe & Judgment-Free Space
Choose a relaxed setting—maybe during a cuddle session or on a walk, not right after an argument.
Approach the conversation with curiosity, not criticism.
✔ Use “I” Statements
Instead of saying, “You never initiate sex,” try:
👉 “I feel really desired when you initiate intimacy. I’d love to find ways to do that more often.”
✔ Ask Open-Ended Questions
Rather than “Do you like this?” try:
👉 “What makes you feel the most turned on or connected to me?”
👉 “What is it about this position that you enjoy?”
✔ Timing Matters
Having a conversation when you’re both relaxed, when you feel close and connected, or maybe even after a positive sexual experience are important in creating a safe atmosphere for discussions.
Bringing up intimacy in a light, playful way can make it easier.
✔ Make It Fun!
If talking about sex feels awkward, try using a sexy card game, a “yes/no/maybe” list, or a couples’ intimacy quiz to spark the conversation. Here are a few links to intimacy cards:
https://shop.theskindeep.com/collections/honest-x-a-tsd-experience/products/honest-x-3-deck-expansion-sets
https://bestself.co/products/intimacy-after-dark-deck?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=21850510948&utm_content=164621265570&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhvK8BhDfARIsABsPy4jd8xFFgsdUXAYF6zPvE4ch6EVtri1zdEh5nqjeDA0m0OhlCgbaOnwaAiZlEALw_wcB
https://www.amazon.com/SEXPECTATIONS-Card-Deck-Communication-Relationships/dp/B07RLK6D2V
Conclusion: Keep the Conversation Going!
Talking about sex isn’t a one-time event—it’s an ongoing conversation. Your desires and needs may evolve, and so will your partner’s as time goes on. The more you communicate, the stronger your intimacy becomes.
Remember:
✅ There’s no “normal” when it comes to sex—only what feels good and fulfilling for you and your partner.
✅ Curiosity, playfulness, and honesty are key to great intimacy.
✅ The best relationships prioritize open, judgment-free conversations about pleasure and connection.
So, whether you’re discovering new desires, deepening intimacy, or simply learning to communicate better, know this: The more you talk about sex, the better it gets. 😉
Be sure to check out the next blog that debunks some common sex myths
